INTRODUCING - a wimpy mom!

Yes, that's me. I am Tiffany, and I am a wimpy mom. I know, I know, how dare I give myself such a negative label. But let's be honest; I'm pretty wimpy. Sure, I have no problem with blood or boogers or vomit - but when it comes to trying to have another baby, I am Queen Wimp herself. "Well, you're already a mom - how can you be so scared of something you've already done?" you may be asking yourself. I suppose a little back story is necessary for complete understanding.

Yes, I am a mom of two beautiful children. And when I say beautiful, I am not just being bias. My daughter, 4 1/2, is the most gorgeous little redhead you will ever lay your eyes on. Her heart is the kindest, most sensitive of any child I've ever met. And brains? Man, I could write an entire novel on those. My son, 2 1/2, is handsome, strong, hilarious and the love of my life. He should bottle his charisma and sell it for fortunes. As parents, my husband and I score high on the granola-meter and raise our children outside of the box most of the time. But again, we could write a novel on that one.

In some ways, I am a very strong mom. I teach my children to respect others by first respecting themselves. I teach them to listen to their own hearts first before the words of others. And most importantly, I teach them to believe in themselves and relish in the sweet victory of personal accomplishments.

The wimpiness really didn't set in until February of this year. In November 2010, my husband and I found out we were expecting our third marvelous child. We couldn't have been happier. Although we had planned this child a little more than we had the others (OK, entirely more than we planned our son) it took a little longer than usual for us to conceive. But we did! The pregnancy was normal and healthy as far as anyone knew. As a certified birth doula, I made the decision to have this baby naturally without any unnecessary medical interventions. However, that dream was shattered in late February at a routine prenatal visit.

When the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, we were under the impression this was nothing to worry about and it happened sometimes; faulty doppler. When the ultrasound tech said the baby was gone, we were under the impression we were dreaming. And when our daughter asked why Heaven needed the baby more than we did, we realized we had a long, sad road in front of us.

Friday we were told the baby was gone and the following Tuesday I had the surgery finalizing the end of my pregnancy. It was the longest four days of my life. Not to mention my poor daughter, who was trying to understand what was happening to her family, celebrated her fourth birthday on that Saturday. Looking at pictures, I feel as though I wasn't even there. 

We never got an answer as to why we lost our baby. At sixteen weeks, it was called a second-trimester miscarriage; something uncommon, but very possible. Without explanations and without closure, I didn't know how to begin the healing process. Today, seven months later, I still wonder if I will ever really be over it.

Our angel baby did more than just remind us to appreciate life's little miracles; we learned that I suffer from blood disorders that can cause some complications with pregnancy. I suffer from a thrombophelia called Factor V Leiden as well as two forms of MTHFR. I am not going to get into the mechanics of these disorders, but in layman's terms, I am at a higher risk of having a blood clot and even higher risk while I am pregnant. Who knew? Now, I am not the first nor will I be the last to be diagnosed with these mutations; thousands of women suffer from these daily and carry perfectly healthy, term pregnancies. Maybe I can be one of them?

We are now up to the wimpy mom part. I want to try again - desperately. My family is not complete and I am not ready to give up on my dreams of four children. But man, I am really scared. Really, really scared. (Hence, the wimpy part.) In order to have a healthy pregnancy, my doctor suggests that I take a daily injection of a blood-thinner known as Lovenox. This daily shot is purposed to prevent blood clotting associated with the thrombophelia I suffer from. I encourage you to Google Lovenox and take a look at what the shot looks like - you would be a wimpy mom too.


It is September and we are in month 3 of trying to conceive again. Most days I am able to wake up in the morning and remind myself that I am brave and I can do this. I repeat the lines from an Adele song... "... next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior...". But will I? I envision myself looking at a positive pregnancy test - try to imagine how I will feel - and I come up empty. Will I cry with excitement? Will my chest hurt with anxiety? Probably a mix of both. Hopefully I will find out soon.

So here I am - writing on this blog - hoping that some other BRAVE, STRONG, TOUGH, ENCOURAGING moms out there will help this wimpy mom through. I am embarking on an unknown travel through a very dark forest, hoping to find magic - can you help me?