A New Beginning

As I sit here tonight, finally writing the post I've waited two long months for, I smile with content. Although the road has been rough, I feel awkwardly at ease now that I am here. And although every day brings about new worries and a new reason to panic, I am encouraged and hopeful that all will end the way it is supposed to.

I'm finally pregnant. I have been for two months now. And I feel incredible - emotionally anyway. I thought I was going to skate through my first trimester without any morning sickness; however, by week 10 I have all but expelled everything I've eaten in the past year. Thank goodness there are only a few more weeks in my first trimester because I have already lost 10 pounds! Although you wouldn't be able to tell - my belly looks as if I've been pregnant for four months. I suppose that is what happens when you are on your fourth pregnancy.

Sometimes it feels surreal. Sometimes I forget there's a tiny child growing inside of me. And sometimes I forget about the terrible events of my last pregnancy. Surprisingly, this hasn't been as terrible as I thought it would be in regards to fear. I have my moments (as does my husband, so I found out last night). But I am not finding myself thinking of the previous loss as often as I thought I would.

I didn't even think I was pregnant. I spent the entire weekend before my period was supposed to be here on the couch in utter despair. I was crabby, emotional, and felt as though I would be met by Aunt Flow any day. Until Monday came. My husband left for work and I was convinced that by the end of the day, I would be hysterical. But then I remembered I had one remaining pregnancy test. Just one. That I was saving for when I was sure it was going to have a positive outcome. And I had an idea.

I didn't  have much left, so I did the second alternative - I peed in a cup. Only enough to dip the stick was needed, and I figured I could make it work. The cat stood in front of me in the tiny toilet in my bathroom and watched as I made sure not to waste a drop. I began to have second thoughts as I questioned testing now versus in a few days. What did it matter? If I wasn't pregnant, it wasn't going to matter if I waited a few days. So I went for it.

And I wasn't prepared for the results. As the second line slowly developed, anxiety and excitement came over me and I couldn't hold in the sobs. I sat on the toilet in a room that began to shrink around me and sobbed until nothing was left. And all I remember is my little kitty staring at me as if I just grew a second head.

I instantly began to think of how I was going to tell my husband. He had left already to take the kids to school. I would surprise him at work, come up with some brilliantly creative idea. Instead, I called him and spilled the beans. Unfortunately, I scared him more than anything as my sobs lead him to believe I was in some kind of trouble. Once he understood what I said, the tears on the other end of the phone registered and I knew he was in the same state of disbelief that I was.

I bought two more tests on my way home just to double check. And I got the same answer each time.

So far we have seen the doctor every two weeks. We've had two visits so far and are on track for a healthy baby. I started my daily injections about a month ago and they are getting a tad bit easier every day. Later this week I will post about the shots. However, this wimpy mom needs some sleep. I will close this post with a picture of Baby Peanut #3.