Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Nightmares before Christmas...

I suppose I should have known this was going to happen. The closer we inch to my second trimester, the more and more nervous I get about having this beautiful baby. Unfortunately, unlike so many first time mothers, I cannot live in prenatal bliss as I have in the past. Every day I do everything in my power to have a stress-free, enjoyable pregnancy. Most days I am ok and spend my time imagining nursery decor and breastfeeding. While other days, like yesterday, I spend my time wondering what I would do should something horrendous happen again.

Sunday night was the first of what I assume will be many pregnancy related nightmares. Although I believed I was being positive for the most part with my pregnancy, nightmares got the best of me. I tossed and turned, imagining that something was wrong and no one would help me. I dreamt that I was waiting to get an ultrasound to verify that what I thought was actually a reality, and yet no one would do it. And when I finally awoke from my bedtime terrors, all I could remember was begging someone to help and screaming, "I can't go through this again." It was horrible...

When I got to work the next day, I couldn't focus on a thing. Everything felt so unimportant as I held my growing belly, wondering if a little heart still beat inside of me. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Friday but decided that was too long to wait. Luckily for me, my doctor had told me that she would see me any time I needed - and that day, it was an emergency. A sanity emergency.

I left work and called my husband - there was no way I was going to be alone for this. We waited a half an hour to be seen, the longest we've ever waited. And when the medical assistant attempted to take my blood pressure, the reality of my anxiety set in. The cuff would not read my blood pressure - even after four times. It wasn't going to happen. I was too nervous. The assistant gave up and said we would try again later.

Normally, my doctor does my ultrasounds. However, yesterday, the ultrasound tech came in to see me. She was incredibly peppy and all I could think was, "Can you please not be like that? This may not be a positive appointment."

But I was so wrong. As soon as the wand touched my belly, I saw our beautiful baby arching, kicking, punching, and wiggling. It was the most amazing site I'd ever seen and I couldn't help but cry with happy tears. The ultrasound tech looked at me funny and I explained to her the situation and why I was so relieved and she suddenly became more peppy. She showed me the baby from twenty different views and we watched as Peanut danced across the screen. I felt elated - there were no words to express my excitement.

She asked if we would be doing the first trimester screenings, and I gently informed her that no, we would be accepting this beautiful baby just as he or she was. She smiled and nodded, although she proceeded to check the back of the baby's neck. .08 she said - absolutely nothing to be concerned about. I suppose I was relieved.

My doctor came in next with her beautiful smile - hugging me. She asked me if everything was ok since she noticed I was a late add for the day. I explained the dream and my fears and she smiled, asking me to tell her about the dream. And I did - all the painstaking details. She was kind and nodded, telling me she understood and knew these things were going to happen. And to top it off, she reminded me of how traumatic the loss was for her, and that she remembered how my family reacted. She reminded me that these things were fair and normal feelings and that she was always here for. And with that, she looked at Peanut with the ultrasound wand and reassured me that baby was doing amazing. In two weeks she said she'd be able to give me an estimate for gender. I wanted to kiss her.

We ended the appointment by agreeing to be seen again next week - she agreed that two weeks may be a little long for us to wait. So I scheduled for next Wednesday and I can't wait. Today I feel amazing and I can't help but rub my belly all day. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby growing inside of me. Life is good...