Monday, October 24, 2011

Falling for Autumn

I suppose I should start this post with an apology - I left quite the cliff-hanger with my last post and have been MIA for a minute. I am sorry about that and hope this post makes up for that!

Let me start by briefly discussing my non-diagnosis of a thyroid problem. It was a very uninteresting, unneeded, and to be honest, a waste of a $30 co-pay. I sat in his tiny little office for maybe 5 minutes while he rambled about perfectly normal blood results. Then why am I here doctor?! Couldn't you tell me this over the phone?! I guess not.

He encouraged me to do a nuclear thyroid scan so that he can check to see if there is any type of "action" with the bump in my neck. This test involves taking a pill full of radiation which prevents you from eating off off dinner plates that others could eat from, not being allowed to use the same restroom as others - this can't be healthy for someone trying to conceive. It will have to wait.

In the meantime, we took a break from doctors and calendars and planning to enjoy a little cool weather and some falling leaves. My husbands family lives back East and we made the trek to see everyone - Boston, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and Long Island, NY to be exact. The weather was cool and it felt like Fall. It was a perfect escape from city dwelling in busy Las Vegas.

I had to explain to my children that farms were for getting dirty - he didn't really understand that too well.

We enjoyed some time at the Boston Aquarium for cousin Joey's 3rd birthday. We also drove the beautiful coast of the East and enjoyed some time by the water.

We are happy to be home - although we are still working on getting back on West Coast time.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

New Hope

Sometimes I feel silly worrying about future pregnancies and healthy babies and whether or not I will ever have the big family I've always wanted. Sometimes I wonder if everyone looks at me and thinks, "This girl has got some serious issues." If they do, I hope that no one ever tells me, for honestly, I could not handle it.

Today I visited with my lovely OB/GYN. And when I say lovely, there is no satire here. She is honestly one of the kindest doctor's I have ever met, while still holding true to her honest and straight-forward ways. I am so lucky to have had her through this rough journey and look forward to making positive memories with her in the future.

Since the loss of my last baby at 16 weeks and the diagnosis of the thrombophelia, I am now considered a high risk when it comes to pregnancy. Let me tell you how hard that was to wrap my mind around. I went from thinking I was having an all-natural home birth to now being considered high risk. It took the last seven months to come to grips with; but I am there now.

We sat down face to face in the chairs in the tiny exam room. She looked at me with eyes of a friend, not of a doctor, and asked me what had been going on. Without thinking, I instantly broke into tears, telling her my woes about trying to conceive and my incessant fears about a future pregnancy. Her kind eyes almost welled up with me and she took my hand, comforting me by reminding me that these were very real, very understandable fears. We talked about what happened, how it affected me and my family, and how it is going to affect future pregnancies. She asked me if I enjoyed being pregnant with my last two. I didn't know how to answer this question. I absolutely LOVE being pregnant. And without hesitation, she reminded me that we needed to do everything in our power to make this next pregnancy just as enjoyable, for me and for my baby.

She was right. But how I going to do that? How was I going to forget about what happened and have a worry-free pregnancy? I so envied those women around the world that were just finding out they were pregnant - no worries, just pure excitement. What I would give to have that feeling again. She reminded me that she too was going to be worried through the pregnancy, and that she was in my corner to help me through it. She explained that she would stop worrying as soon as I was in the hospital and hooked up to the monitors so that if anything were to go wrong, she could fix it. OMG, she knew exactly what I was feeling! It was as if she were speaking straight from my brain!!! And I felt myself sink into my chair - she understood, and I finally felt relief.

We discussed the possibilities of hypothyroidism and the "bump" the ultrasound tech had found. Since seeing him last Thursday, the doctor's office had called and asked me to make appointment for this week, that the doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible. Great, that's always reassuring. She explained to me that hypothyroidism is the number one cause of preventable mental retardation. WHO KNEW!!! She explained that if my GP found there to be an inadequate amount of thyroid hormone, he would put me on synthetic hormone replacements. She also mentioned that my hormone levels would be checked every 4-6 weeks to make sure my medication levels are correct throughout the pregnancy. Again, she understood.

We discussed doctor's visits throughout the next pregnancy. I let her know that I wasn't comfortable with waiting 4 weeks between visits, and she chuckled, reminding me that as a high risk patient I would be seeing her every other week. This woman was reading my mind! 

The appointment ended with her hugging me tighter than I've been hugged in a while - and it felt goooood. I felt that her and I could conquer the world and a healthy little baby would be born again in the Clyne family. I felt renewed and ready to get back in the saddle - if you know what I mean. And as the cherry on top of the sundae of amazing support, she wrote her cell phone number on the back of her card and reassured me to call or text any time I needed something. She was an angel.

Who knew women develop PTSD from the loss of a baby? Who knew thyroid hormone imbalances could cause a child to have mental retardation? And more importantly, who knew that a doctor so incredibly kind would be the only one to allow me to be afraid without guilt?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My favorite time of year...

At the pumpkin patch last year
Halloween - a time of tricks and treats, ghouls and goblins, mystery and magic. A time when those who may not be comfortable with who they are have the opportunity to live as someone else for the night. A time when family fun and parties full of friends take up my time - hopefully allowing very little time for wallowing in my sorrows.

Every year my family gets together with some of our dearest friends to enjoy fun and YUM! We eat, play, and trick for treats until our hearts are content. We've made a tradition out of it - and this year will be no different!

Halloween, 2009

Last year my family dressed as the Flintstones - Mikayla was Pebbles, Aidan was Bam-Bam, Danny was Fred, and I was Wilma. (All costumes made by my dear mother and the kids' Nana, Val!). We had a blast. Although it did take about a month of watching the Flintstones to talk my children into dressing up (even though I'd made the decision that we were going to dress as the Flintstones months before).

The Flintstones, 2010

This morning the kids and I spent about an hour at the park. The weather was cool (75 degrees - cool for Vegas anyway) and it felt like fall was on it's way. I watched the leaves rustle in the trees, imagining what it would be like if I could shake my insecurities, doubts, and sadness away like leaves from a tree in the fall. I remember how great it felt to start a new school year every August - time to start over, try again, and do better than I did the year before. I so wish I had that now.

Among other things, I am counting down the days until my period is due again. October 12th - the day we leave to visit all of my in-law's in Boston/NYC. I would love to plan a fun and exciting way to share good news with my husband's family while we are there - but I feel as though planning ahead would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead, I will focus on this year's Halloween extravaganza. I will prepare mummy juice boxes and classroom treat bags and remind myself of the blessings I already have.

All the while, in the back of my mind, I will be plotting...