Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My Little Owl

I must start this post by apologizing for being absent for so long. I have been so consumed by the constant bombardment of worry and stress that comes along with a pregnancy after a loss. I thought I was prepared for this - I read the books, I talked it out with my husband and friends, and yet nothing could have prepared me for what was yet to come.

I'm in my 17th week now and I can't even begin to describe how weird that feels. Although I have been pregnant three times before, it feels as though I have never been here before. The sweet feeling of little hands and feet pushing from the inside feel like alien novelties to me although I have felt them twice before. And I seem to have forgotten all the woes that come along with the bliss of pregnancy. Like heartburn, gas, bloating, fatigue, and sharp pains in the nether-region. It's as if this is the first time I am feeling these things.

For the past 5 weeks, I have seen my doctor every week. It all started with a horrible dream in which I had a feeling that something was wrong with my baby - and no one would check. I woke with tremors and a daunting feeling that something wasn't right. I called my doctor who had promised me a visit at any time should I need it - and I took her up on that offer. I was so anxious when I finally made it to the appointment that the nurse attempted to read my blood pressure three times - and yet my body refused to give a good reading. I was stressed beyond belief and the blood pressure cuff let us know how that was affecting me physiologically. Luckily enough, all was well, and there was a bouncing baby growing inside.

Since that appointment, my doctor has offered to see me once a week. Knowing my growing anxiety as we inched closer to the time of my previous loss, she promised to give me a peak into my growing womb once a week until I felt comfortable enough to see her every two weeks again. I could have kissed her.

The shots are getting easier and easier - however, the side effects are getting harder and harder. In previous pregnancies, especially with my son, I acquired a few of what I call battle wounds (or more commonly known as stretch marks). They were incredibly low and didn't show up until the last month of my pregnancy. This is NOT the case with this pregnancy. The Lovenox seems to do something to my skin because right where I do my daily injections (which is on either side of my belly button) have begun to sprout little pink lines. I could scream - but Peanut is worth it.

Every visit I've asked my doctor to check for gender - and every time baby was wiggling or turning or had the cord between his or her legs. We couldn't see anything. Until today. Today we had our anatomy ultrasound, and baby decided it was time to reveal itself. There was no wiggling or moving or cords in the wrong place - just a calm baby, a steady heartbeat, and a clear view of a gender... drumroll please... WE HAVE A BOY! :) We are going to be welcoming another baby boy into our lives. The only problem is we were convinced it was a girl, so we have no boy names picked out. We are starting from scratch.

The moral of the story is - a healthy, beautiful, Clyne baby boy is growing deep inside of me, and I couldn't be happier.