Well, hello again!

I didn't realize it had been WELL over a year since my last blog post. I guess I didn't have much to say... or did I? My last blog post was a bit overwhelming to read. I didn't think those feelings of anxiety and dread would come back - but they did. I'm pretty sure I will not be reading previous posts from this point on.

So what has the Clyne brood been up to? A LOT! So much has changed over the past year and a half. So much that I don't want to bore you. So let me give you a year and a half in review - Cliff Notes version!

I got REALLY pregnant with a healthy baby boy. Daily belly injections of blood thinner kept him safe and sound - and he grew and grew!

I was so big and pregnant - yet I tried not to complain. I was so happy to have a healthy baby boy in there, no matter how uncomfortable I got.

Ronan Everett was born 3 weeks early on June 4th, 2012 weighing 7 lbs 8 oz. I had a natural birth in which he came so fast, the doctor didn't even make it! My husband, the hero, helped him find his way out.

Ronan's first year has been a WHIRLWIND! I quit my job shortly after he was born to become a stay at home Mom. Mikayla went to kindergarten. Aidan and I started homeschooling. We found every excuse to love each other and love LIFE! It has been an amazing year!

It has been a crazy busy year and it is just beginning again!  Mikayla just started First Grade yesterday! She was so incredibly excited! All her friends from Kindergarten are still at the school - although not in her class. They were so happy to see each other!

Now it's just the boys and I at home. We are working on getting the house back together after our crazy summer of trips to California, New York for the family reunion, and lots of pool time! Aidan and I will be starting our last year of preschool at home before he starts Kindergarten next year. Ronan and I will be working on his sensory skills, learning colors and shapes, and finally learning to WALK! He's only 14 months after all.

Let the fun begin!

My Little Owl

I must start this post by apologizing for being absent for so long. I have been so consumed by the constant bombardment of worry and stress that comes along with a pregnancy after a loss. I thought I was prepared for this - I read the books, I talked it out with my husband and friends, and yet nothing could have prepared me for what was yet to come.

I'm in my 17th week now and I can't even begin to describe how weird that feels. Although I have been pregnant three times before, it feels as though I have never been here before. The sweet feeling of little hands and feet pushing from the inside feel like alien novelties to me although I have felt them twice before. And I seem to have forgotten all the woes that come along with the bliss of pregnancy. Like heartburn, gas, bloating, fatigue, and sharp pains in the nether-region. It's as if this is the first time I am feeling these things.

For the past 5 weeks, I have seen my doctor every week. It all started with a horrible dream in which I had a feeling that something was wrong with my baby - and no one would check. I woke with tremors and a daunting feeling that something wasn't right. I called my doctor who had promised me a visit at any time should I need it - and I took her up on that offer. I was so anxious when I finally made it to the appointment that the nurse attempted to read my blood pressure three times - and yet my body refused to give a good reading. I was stressed beyond belief and the blood pressure cuff let us know how that was affecting me physiologically. Luckily enough, all was well, and there was a bouncing baby growing inside.

Since that appointment, my doctor has offered to see me once a week. Knowing my growing anxiety as we inched closer to the time of my previous loss, she promised to give me a peak into my growing womb once a week until I felt comfortable enough to see her every two weeks again. I could have kissed her.

The shots are getting easier and easier - however, the side effects are getting harder and harder. In previous pregnancies, especially with my son, I acquired a few of what I call battle wounds (or more commonly known as stretch marks). They were incredibly low and didn't show up until the last month of my pregnancy. This is NOT the case with this pregnancy. The Lovenox seems to do something to my skin because right where I do my daily injections (which is on either side of my belly button) have begun to sprout little pink lines. I could scream - but Peanut is worth it.

Every visit I've asked my doctor to check for gender - and every time baby was wiggling or turning or had the cord between his or her legs. We couldn't see anything. Until today. Today we had our anatomy ultrasound, and baby decided it was time to reveal itself. There was no wiggling or moving or cords in the wrong place - just a calm baby, a steady heartbeat, and a clear view of a gender... drumroll please... WE HAVE A BOY! :) We are going to be welcoming another baby boy into our lives. The only problem is we were convinced it was a girl, so we have no boy names picked out. We are starting from scratch.

The moral of the story is - a healthy, beautiful, Clyne baby boy is growing deep inside of me, and I couldn't be happier.

Nightmares before Christmas...

I suppose I should have known this was going to happen. The closer we inch to my second trimester, the more and more nervous I get about having this beautiful baby. Unfortunately, unlike so many first time mothers, I cannot live in prenatal bliss as I have in the past. Every day I do everything in my power to have a stress-free, enjoyable pregnancy. Most days I am ok and spend my time imagining nursery decor and breastfeeding. While other days, like yesterday, I spend my time wondering what I would do should something horrendous happen again.

Sunday night was the first of what I assume will be many pregnancy related nightmares. Although I believed I was being positive for the most part with my pregnancy, nightmares got the best of me. I tossed and turned, imagining that something was wrong and no one would help me. I dreamt that I was waiting to get an ultrasound to verify that what I thought was actually a reality, and yet no one would do it. And when I finally awoke from my bedtime terrors, all I could remember was begging someone to help and screaming, "I can't go through this again." It was horrible...

When I got to work the next day, I couldn't focus on a thing. Everything felt so unimportant as I held my growing belly, wondering if a little heart still beat inside of me. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Friday but decided that was too long to wait. Luckily for me, my doctor had told me that she would see me any time I needed - and that day, it was an emergency. A sanity emergency.

I left work and called my husband - there was no way I was going to be alone for this. We waited a half an hour to be seen, the longest we've ever waited. And when the medical assistant attempted to take my blood pressure, the reality of my anxiety set in. The cuff would not read my blood pressure - even after four times. It wasn't going to happen. I was too nervous. The assistant gave up and said we would try again later.

Normally, my doctor does my ultrasounds. However, yesterday, the ultrasound tech came in to see me. She was incredibly peppy and all I could think was, "Can you please not be like that? This may not be a positive appointment."

But I was so wrong. As soon as the wand touched my belly, I saw our beautiful baby arching, kicking, punching, and wiggling. It was the most amazing site I'd ever seen and I couldn't help but cry with happy tears. The ultrasound tech looked at me funny and I explained to her the situation and why I was so relieved and she suddenly became more peppy. She showed me the baby from twenty different views and we watched as Peanut danced across the screen. I felt elated - there were no words to express my excitement.

She asked if we would be doing the first trimester screenings, and I gently informed her that no, we would be accepting this beautiful baby just as he or she was. She smiled and nodded, although she proceeded to check the back of the baby's neck. .08 she said - absolutely nothing to be concerned about. I suppose I was relieved.

My doctor came in next with her beautiful smile - hugging me. She asked me if everything was ok since she noticed I was a late add for the day. I explained the dream and my fears and she smiled, asking me to tell her about the dream. And I did - all the painstaking details. She was kind and nodded, telling me she understood and knew these things were going to happen. And to top it off, she reminded me of how traumatic the loss was for her, and that she remembered how my family reacted. She reminded me that these things were fair and normal feelings and that she was always here for. And with that, she looked at Peanut with the ultrasound wand and reassured me that baby was doing amazing. In two weeks she said she'd be able to give me an estimate for gender. I wanted to kiss her.

We ended the appointment by agreeing to be seen again next week - she agreed that two weeks may be a little long for us to wait. So I scheduled for next Wednesday and I can't wait. Today I feel amazing and I can't help but rub my belly all day. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby growing inside of me. Life is good...

A New Beginning

As I sit here tonight, finally writing the post I've waited two long months for, I smile with content. Although the road has been rough, I feel awkwardly at ease now that I am here. And although every day brings about new worries and a new reason to panic, I am encouraged and hopeful that all will end the way it is supposed to.

I'm finally pregnant. I have been for two months now. And I feel incredible - emotionally anyway. I thought I was going to skate through my first trimester without any morning sickness; however, by week 10 I have all but expelled everything I've eaten in the past year. Thank goodness there are only a few more weeks in my first trimester because I have already lost 10 pounds! Although you wouldn't be able to tell - my belly looks as if I've been pregnant for four months. I suppose that is what happens when you are on your fourth pregnancy.

Sometimes it feels surreal. Sometimes I forget there's a tiny child growing inside of me. And sometimes I forget about the terrible events of my last pregnancy. Surprisingly, this hasn't been as terrible as I thought it would be in regards to fear. I have my moments (as does my husband, so I found out last night). But I am not finding myself thinking of the previous loss as often as I thought I would.

I didn't even think I was pregnant. I spent the entire weekend before my period was supposed to be here on the couch in utter despair. I was crabby, emotional, and felt as though I would be met by Aunt Flow any day. Until Monday came. My husband left for work and I was convinced that by the end of the day, I would be hysterical. But then I remembered I had one remaining pregnancy test. Just one. That I was saving for when I was sure it was going to have a positive outcome. And I had an idea.

I didn't  have much left, so I did the second alternative - I peed in a cup. Only enough to dip the stick was needed, and I figured I could make it work. The cat stood in front of me in the tiny toilet in my bathroom and watched as I made sure not to waste a drop. I began to have second thoughts as I questioned testing now versus in a few days. What did it matter? If I wasn't pregnant, it wasn't going to matter if I waited a few days. So I went for it.

And I wasn't prepared for the results. As the second line slowly developed, anxiety and excitement came over me and I couldn't hold in the sobs. I sat on the toilet in a room that began to shrink around me and sobbed until nothing was left. And all I remember is my little kitty staring at me as if I just grew a second head.

I instantly began to think of how I was going to tell my husband. He had left already to take the kids to school. I would surprise him at work, come up with some brilliantly creative idea. Instead, I called him and spilled the beans. Unfortunately, I scared him more than anything as my sobs lead him to believe I was in some kind of trouble. Once he understood what I said, the tears on the other end of the phone registered and I knew he was in the same state of disbelief that I was.

I bought two more tests on my way home just to double check. And I got the same answer each time.

So far we have seen the doctor every two weeks. We've had two visits so far and are on track for a healthy baby. I started my daily injections about a month ago and they are getting a tad bit easier every day. Later this week I will post about the shots. However, this wimpy mom needs some sleep. I will close this post with a picture of Baby Peanut #3.

Happy Halloween

Well, we had another successful Halloween this year; minus sick Tinkerbell. A few days before Halloween, Mikayla came down with a runny nose and fever. We were hoping she'd be well enough to enjoy to ghoulish festivities, but she was not.

The Friday before Halloween, however, she was able to bring treats to her classmates and enjoy a pre-Halloween shindig. The night before, Mommy slaved away making goody bags for both her and Aidan's classmates. They included sticky eyeballs, eyeball bubbles, Halloween pencils, pumpkin erasers and candy of course! Aidan's were topped with a monster sticker and Mikayla's had cute trick-or-treaters!



From what I heard, the classmates were appreciated of my late night creativity.

Friday my mom came in from Chicago. We hadn't seen her since June so it was nice to share the holiday with her.



Not from this trip - but Nana and the kids nonetheless.

Every year we get together with our dear friends and enjoy some snacks and trick-or-treating. We had the cast of Peter Pan, the cast of Rio, some skeletons, a bee, and a cute little airplane.

The Cast of Rio! - Otherwise known as the Becketts!

The Knights - expecting baby girl #3 in January

The tricks!

The treats!

Graveyard cupcakes by Lynlee's Petite Cakes

Delicious Cake Pops by Lynlee's Petite Cakes

The first house

The kids had a great time. They were pooped at the end of the night - especially my beautiful Tinkerbell. She had a fever the entire time and just wanted to sit in her stroller after this house. Good thing little brother Peter Pan agreed to take her bucket to the door to get her candy. It was great and we are already planning on next year - Adam's Family Values!

Since the wonderful Halloween weekend we have been enjoying some quiet time. Mikayla is feeling better now; however, her little brother and I have come down with the cold today. We are watching movies and sleeping on the couch together - hoping for a speedy recovery.

I'll close this post with some pictures of Aidan in his owl beenie made special by Nana.